Humor quotes about life
Posted by Olympiad Tester on
1. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” — Claire Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias
2. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns
3. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” — Sir Norman Wisdom
4. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers
5. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres
6. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
7. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
8. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton
9. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
10. “Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” — Dorothy Parker
11. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres
12. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright
13. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Anonymous
14. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey
15. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later." — Mitch Hedberg
16. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” — Tina Fey, Bossypants
17. “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.” — Betty White
18. “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." — Albert Einstein
19. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers
20. “Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” — Dorothy Parker
21. “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. You’re welcome.” — Unknown
22. “I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.” — Phyllis Diller
23. “I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’” — Henry Youngman
24. “Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” — Bob Hope
25. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
26. “Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
27. “The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up.” — Unknown
28. “Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.” — Irvin S. Cobb
29. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” — Unknown
30. “They say life is short. To me, it’s the longest thing anyone can experience.” — Unknown