Best lawyer jokes - Set 01

1. A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All."

2. While serving jury duty, 
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one 
point, he picked up a piece of 
evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see 
an acronym on this receipt. What 
would CAR stand for?” The defendant replied, “Car.”

3. If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what? Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?" Witness: "Guess." Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?" Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

4. My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?” The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.” The case was dismissed.

5. ...was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.”

6. I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on about how long the process was taking, a judge and two lawyers passed by, giving me a big hello. A minute later, a few maintenance workers did the same. That set off the malcontent: "Just how long have you been serving jury duty?"

7. The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”

8. “How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.” “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?” “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

9. A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.

10. A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.” The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”

11. A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?” Defendant: “This and that.” Judge: “Take him away.” Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?” Judge: “Sooner or later.”

12. Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to court? Because he wanted to take his case to a higher court!

13. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more!

14. Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand!

15. How does an attorney sleep? First, they lie on one side. Then, they lie on the other side.

16. Why don't lawyers go to the bar association? They can't pass the bar!

17. What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired!

18. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer miles!

19. What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still!

20. Why did the lawyer become a gardener? Because they had a green thumb for justice!